Lloyd Omdahl: God OKs slaying of Koreanites
EDITOR'S NOTE: The following satirical piece is based upon an Aug. 9 Washington Post story that reported the Rev. Robert Jeffress, one of the president's evangelical advisers, stated that God had given the president authority to take out North Ko...
EDITOR'S NOTE: The following satirical piece is based upon an Aug. 9 Washington Post story that reported the Rev. Robert Jeffress, one of the president's evangelical advisers, stated that God had given the president authority to take out North Korean leader Kim Jong Un.
"Go ahead and nuke them," Spiritual Chancellor Robert urged the Emperor as he wondered what to do about the Koreanite unbelievers who now possessed weapons of fire and fury that could reach his kingdom.
"God chose you to be emperor; God gives you unlimited fire and fury," Holy Bob said, "and He expects you to launch fire and fury to strike down the unwashed, so it says in Romans."
"Romans? What Romans?" the Emperor asked.
"The Book of Romans in the Bible; comes just before One and Two Corinthians," Adviser Bob explained.
"Remember that God sent His chosen people into Canaan to slay without mercy the Amorites, Hittites, Moabites and all other ites around. So God expects you to go forth and attack those Koreanites without mercy."
"Maybe I should talk to God directly," the Emperor proposed. "I can make better deals than underlings."
"Are you on speaking terms with God?" Holy Bob asked, hoping to salvage his position.
"I'll talk to anyone I want," the Emperor responded authoritatively. "How can my empire be great again if we have to grovel meekly with outside powers, any outside powers?"
As they were conversing, the Emperor fumbled with the control panel for firing his arsenal of fire and fury weapons.
"Flicking these five triggers will unleash weapons that cannot be stopped once they are launched," the Emperor explained proudly. "We call it the fail-safe device so no enemy counter-attack can divert the bombs from their targets."
To demonstrate his extravagant power to Holy Bob, he impishly activated four of the triggers.
"See, we're four-fifths of the way to the fire and fury like the world has ever seen," he boasted.
As he shifted in his seat, he slipped and his elbow hit the fifth trigger. Horror clouded his face as he realized that his weapons were headed for the land of the Koreanites.
"General," he shouted to his chief military adviser who was exiled to the next room for correcting a tweet. "Get the purple phone - that direct line to the Koreanites - quick! We have to warn them about this awful accident."
He grabbed the phone from the general's hand and shouted at it: "Pung Jung, weapons of fire and fury are now headed for Pyongyang and will arrive in 18 minutes. It was an accident. The weapons cannot be retrieved because they all have our latest fail-safe device."
Pung Jung swore in Korean.
"What are we going to do?" the Emperor asked Pung Jung in panic.
"Well, I saw this old movie and you must give me an equal target to destroy," the enraged Pung Jung demanded.
"How about Winnipeg?" the Emperor proposed. He thought it was a deal Pung Jung couldn't refuse.
"I am no fool," Pung Jung responded. "But Winnipeg is not yours to give. How about the golf course in Florida?"
"Never! Never!" the Emperor exclaimed. "My golf course for Pyongyang? That's no deal. How about some blue state like Massachusetts or Connecticut?"
"I have no time to dicker," Pung Jung responded. "We now launch and, as you say, we will see how it comes out. Let weapon choose target. Maybe Washington. Maybe Tower in New York. Maybe red state."
Horrified, the Emperor turned to his spiritual counselor.
"Would God send us to fire and fury if we blow up a Koreanite city by accident?"
"With God there is no such thing as an accident," he said, rolling his eyes.
The Emperor wiped his brow.
"That's a relief. I don't want to own this thing."
Lloyd Omdahl is a former lieutenant governor of North Dakota and professor at UND. His columns are published Mondays in the Herald.