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Americans will soon face the pressing questions of our time, like “What's for dinner?” and “Is pro wrestling real?” Also, there's an election.
On Nov. 8, we'll decide if incumbents deserve another crack at mediocrity or if different incompetents should wield power. So, in an effort to inform, educate, but mostly agitate, I proudly present my Fate of the Free World Election Quiz.
1. The best argument for term limits in North Dakota:
A. It’s the only way I’ll ever get to be prom queen
B. Gets the riff-raff out
C. Gets the riff-raff in
D. Jim Kasper
2. What make of tractor was down-to-earth-just-one-of-the-guys Congressman Kelly Armstrong fixing in his campaign commercial?
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A. John Deere
B. Deere in the Headlights
C. Fisher Price
D. L.L. Bean
3. Things we’ll find before Wayne Stenehjem’s emails:
A. The meaning of life
B. That missing sock
C. Jimmy Hoffa
D. Jason Dockter’s scruples
4. If recreational marijuana passes in North Dakota:
A. Kristi Noem will sue
B. Kathryn Burgum initiates program to get clean bongs to addicts on the streets
C. Dogs and cats living together
D. Cats begin gateway experiments with catnip
5. Cause of Jerry Lee Lewis' death:
A. Great Balls of Fire
B. Killer chickens in the barn... Whose barn? What barn? My barn!
C. Tragically dropped by St. Butterfingers while being raptured
D. If they hadn't erased his emails, we'd know
6. Why are some conservative scribes obsessed with female liberal politicians?
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A. Unrequited love
B. Subconsciously seeking permission to wear the pants around here
C. Gets a Christmas card from Kelly Armstrong every year
D. I dunno, but sometimes a cigar is just a cigar
7. Who’s more prejudiced?
A. Kanye
B. Dave Piepkorn
C. Lester Maddox
D. Mel Gibson
8. The evidence clearly reveals that Jan. 6 was:
A. “Not an insurrection. No siree, Bob. Move along, folks, nothing to see here”
B. Overcast with a slight north breeze
C. “A lynch mob that got outta hand. Geez, quit makin’ a federal case outta it”
D. “Who cares if those patriots pooped on the floor, if it’ll get me reelected, count me in”
9. Why did John Hoeven finally debate Katrina Christiansen and Rick Becker?
A. Ransom reluctantly paid by staffers after some dickering
B. Abraham Lincoln and Stephen Douglas unavailable
C. Lease on bunker expired
D. To boldly go where no Hoeven had gone before
10. Conservative commentator Lara Logan told Newsmax that:
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A. Liberal elites dine on the blood of children
B. Joe Biden should do something about high blood prices
C. Olivia Newton John records played backwards reveal satanic messages
D. Paul is dead
Bonus: Lasts longer than British Prime Minister Liz Truss:
A. Lettuce
B. Let us not
C. One sentence from Donald Trump
D. Your neighbor’s barking dog
Answers: 1. A; 2. C; 3. D; 4. D; 5. B; 6. B; 7. C (by a nose); 8. D; 9. A; 10. B; Bonus C.
Don’t worry, if you don’t like the results, just storm the column like a real American.
9-11 correct: The estimated number of abortions Herschel Walker paid for last month.
6-8 correct: The number of homeless people Dave Piepkorn stepped over last night.
3-5 correct: You get a participation ribbon. 0-2 correct: Hey buddy, you're drooling.
