Really, I'm a little embarrassed for some of you. Here we are in the midst of an historic nothing-burger witch-hunt impeachment and 37% of you are clueless about what's happening. Heck, Rob Port knows kids smarter than you. So, in an ongoing effort to educate, I now present the Watergate Memorial Pop Quiz.
1. Why did Trump withhold $391 million in aid for Ukraine's defense against Russia?
a. Wanted to count it to make sure it’s all there
b. Some sort of mixup with PayPal
c. America’s a little short this week
d. Needs bail money
2. According to Kevin Cramer, Democrats:
a. Are undermining the president’s credibility
b. Make such a big deal over a little conspiracy
c. Should learn how to America the right way
d. Aren't the boss of me
3. Trump’s suggestion that Ukrainian President Zelensky investigate Biden wasn't extortion because there was:
a. No quid pro quo
b. Not much quid pro quo
c. Only a liddle quid pro quo
d. No bloody horse’s head in Zelensky’s bed
4. Why were records of Trump's perfectly innocent call covered up on a classified server?
a. So Hillary wouldn’t delete them
b. It’s a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma
c. It’s a cannoli wrapped in a napkin inside a brown paper bag
d. If folks learned how innocent Trump is it would ruin his street cred
5. If it weren’t for this impeachment nonsense Republicans would:
a. Pass long-awaited gun reform
b. Make Mexico pay for something
c. Address the exorbitant cost of pumpkin spice
d. Get Rudy Giuliani the help he so desperately needs
6. Why do Democrats really want to impeach Trump?
a. He’s the most dangerous imbecilic sociopath ever elected.
b. It’s all just one big misunderstanding.
c. Preemptive strike to prevent fellatio in the Oval Office
d. Some quaint fetish about the rule of law
7. One good reason Trump shouldn’t be impeached:
a. He built the wall
b. America's not quite bankrupt, yet
c. He’ll make you an offer you can’t refuse
d. Even Hitler had some good ideas
8. Top excuse to get out of a civil war:
a. Bone spurs
b. Shin splints
c. Ain’t got no quarrel with no Viet Cong
d. Mother's calling me
9. John Hoeven wouldn't comment on the whistleblower complaint last week because:
a. He’s more of a harmonica guy
b. Waiting for the audiobook
c. Too busy doing his job, unlike some people we know
d. Taking a vow of silence until this blows over
10. Nancy Pelosi says she:
a. Prays for Trump
b. Preys on Trump
c. Occasionally gives Jerry Nadler wedgies
d. Feels like a natural woman
Bonus: One true thing about Stephen Miller:
a. He has a girlfriend
b. It might be a hostage situation
c. It puts the lotion in the basket
d. He’s a member of the Hair Club for Men
Answers: 1. b; 2. a; 3. c; 4. d; 5. b; 6. c; 7. d; 8. a; 9. a; 10. c; Bonus: c. Grades: 11-9 correct: We’ve been hacked! 6-8 correct: Big deal. Once a trained chicken got a perfect score. 3-5 correct: Okay, we’re taking your guns. It’s a Red Flag thing. 0-2 correct. You must be the dumbest dumbbell dummy in the history of dumbness. With all due respect.
Tony Bender writes an exclusive weekly column for Forum News Service.