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Bender: We need to indoctrinate our kids the right way

Tony Bender

According to the National Weather Service, we're on track for the Weirdest Year on Record.

Now, I don't want this to devolve into a climate change discussion, because everyone knows that's a plot to something, something, China, something, something, New World Order, something, but it's obvious that the elevated amount of CO2 in the atmosphere has diminished the oxygen supply to people's brains.

Again, I don't want to bring science into this — no need to make it political — but oxygen deprivation can turn normal humans into Rep. Luke Simons, R-Dickinson, who, instead of having a cigarette after his Green Eggs and Ham in the morning, apparently sucks on the tailpipe of his pickup.

Before the session mercifully ended last week, he uploaded a stream-of-unconsciousness video on sex education, cacti and parochial schools that was abstract enough to be a Bob Dylan song.

Simons, who heroically “cowboyed up” to record the video despite presumably being kicked in the head by a horse just moments before, derided public education and praised the cost-effectiveness of parochial schools. Sure, if you ignore the $54,000 it costs parents to educate one child, K-12, at Dickinson Trinity.

He also railed against liberal indoctrination at public universities — “a breeding grounds of liberals” — when everyone knows kids should be indoctrinated properly at church schools. Plus, you can recruit the best athletes. That isn't why parochial schools get booed at state tournaments, though. It's because folks are jealous of the gooder education these kids get. It's impressive how often they win even though none of them can go to their left.

Clearly, religious schools are the bomb. That Wahhabi thing in Saudi Arabia is a great example of the transformative effect it can have on society. If you love discipline, the Saudis are old school. They just beheaded 37 people, and most of them remain more coherent than Simons.

In the interest of getting Allah back in our schools, we need a GoFundMe page for the Stark County Institute of Muhammad & Cactus Studies. Frankly, I don't give a good goldarn if those kids can dribble. This is about education.

I'll say this for Simons; he's on fire — which can happen if you get too close to the tailpipe. He sponsored HB 1538 to teach alternatives to established science in our failing North Dakota schools (because everyone knows the earth is only 6,000 years old), defended the 4th Amendment rights of emaciated cows (HB 1290), and with quick thinking and cowboy-ninja skills, narrowly escaped being bushwhacked by a Hindu prayer in the House. Plus, his video might win him the Republican version of an Emmy — a Gumpy.

Based on his cowboy-folksiness — pretend Sam Elliot and Michelle Bachman had a son — I was disappointed that Simons didn't sponsor HB 1145 to legalize drunken horseback riding. He did vote for it, though.

Inexplicably, Sen. Janna Myrdahl, R-Edinburg, was a sponsor. What? She typically opposes all vices from slow dancing to recreational anything. There's only one explanation. She was kicked in the head, too. That's what happens when you give beer to your horses.

The bill failed. Toby Keith’s gonna be so bummed.

Tony Bender writes an exclusive weekly column for Forum News Service.

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