If you hate late-December stories about the commercialization of Christmas, or food columns touting (bunny) rabbit stew around Easter, you may have a problem with this Valentine's Day story.
Yes, it's a story about love.
It's about romantic love, actually, the "I can't breathe," heart-pounding, palm-sweating kind that sells so many flowers, chocolates, heart-shaped pendants and candlelight dinners this time of year.
But it's a story about a scholar who says it's all a hoax.
Not just Valentine's Day, but love itself -- romantic love -- is a hoax, says James Leonard Park, a Minneapolis philosopher and writer who has produced several books on the subject and occasionally lectures on it as well -- often on Valentine's Day.
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"I tend to polarize people," he said in a recent telephone interview. "There are people who are deeply into the romantic illusions, so they are upset at the suggestion it may be a fantasy."
But people "fall in love," he said, "because we have in our heads a vision of the person who will fulfill all our needs. Romantic love is an artificial emotion like a passion for a sports team rather than a deep reality of human nature."
Sure, it feels good for a while, that giddiness, that rush that came over you "the first time ever you saw her face," or his.
You think you swooned. Park said you're just off balance.
"Romantic love is an interesting and enjoyable experience, somewhat like intoxication," he said. "But you shouldn't make any life-changing decisions, such as getting married, when you're under the influence."
He believes in love based on reality
He favors an alternative, "a love that's based on reality -- understanding who each other is, rather than having each person projecting his or her romantic dreams onto the other."
Park is a gentle, soft-spoken man who holds a bachelor's degree in philosophy and humanities from the University of Minnesota and a master's degree from Union Theological Seminary in New York City. His master's thesis was on existentialist philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre and whether "a Sartrean theology" is possible.
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But let's get back to love.
Love -- the Cole Porter lyrics, hearts-and-flowers kind -- "may be the most pervasive myth of Western culture," Park said, and the notion of "falling in love" is a sugary blend of illusion, mood swing and temporary insanity.
"The romantic response is a response learned from the surrounding culture, especially popular culture: music, TV, movies, romance novels. They condition us on how to fall in love."
Romantic love doesn't require engagement with another person, but can strike from a distance.
"It doesn't require any real response from the other person," Park said. "It's something that's happening inside the first person rather than affecting the other."
That's more a definition of stalking, he suggested, than of love.
"It can happen that two people 'fall in love' at the same time. But even then, it's still two people each having his or her own internal feelings and projecting those onto the other person."
Candidates on such TV "reality" shows as "The Bachelor" may think they're engaged in romantic love. "But they're not really presenting themselves," he said. "They're advertising or promoting artificial ideas of who they are to trigger a reaction from the bachelor, and the nation is watching on television to see who's going to fall in love with whom.
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"I understand why that is. It's a lot easier to sell romance than skepticism toward romance."
A grandpa's love
You might be wondering about Park's "love" credentials, beyond his authorship of "New Ways of Loving: How Authenticity Transforms Relationships" and other books.
He said he has been in a "loving relationship" with the same woman for more than 30 years. "It is a relationship not conditioned by romantic illusions," he said. "We were not under any illusions to start with, and we haven't had any conflict over that."
And how will he spend this Valentine's Day?
"I haven't made any specific plans," he said. "But I'm now a grandparent, and maybe we'll be taking care of the grandchildren -- while their parents have a romantic night on their own."
Reach Haga at (701) 780-1102; (800) 477-6572, ext. 102; or send e-mail to chaga@gfherald.com .
