You can get your name on a hockey arena for $104 million.
You can get your name on a basketball/volleyball arena attached to the hockey arena for $7 million.
And, you can get your name on the local arena/convention center for 20 years for $3 million.
It's still unclear what it will cost to get your name attached to the proposed wellness center to replace the antiquated Center Court Fitness Center in Grand Forks. The volunteer fundraisers who are peddling the naming rights haven't made an announcement yet.
What is clear is that they wouldn't put my name on it for any contribution. The Ryan Bakken Fitness Center wouldn't be a selling point for prospective members. The RBFC would be as oxymoronic as the KJ-108's Big Dogz Cultural Center, the Ed Schultz School of Reason or the Orenthal James Simpson Courthouse.
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But in these economic-stressed times, it's prudent to collect as much money as possible from a Ralph or a Betty or an Al to attach their name to a building. Whether you're a taxpayer or a ticket-buying customer, your costs go down if some person or bank is subsidizing the operation through naming-rights fees.
That means Joe Sixpack can afford to become Joe Twelvepack.
So, as the lipstick-free pit bull of the working class, I propose that we put other facilities up for auction. We need to be creative, like Webber International University of Babson, Fla.
Webber International is using eBay to auction naming rights to the campus' latest building project. It's the sewage plant.
Although you wouldn't want your name attached to a sewage plant, you know of others who would be perfect. As an example, we'll provide the obvious -- your least favorite radio talk show host. Another worthy candidate would be the Minnesota Vikings offense. Then, there's Simplot, which has overtaken much-improved American Crystal Sugar in the scent department.
Grand Forks has a similar opportunity with its new landfill. Raise enough pledges, and the city will name its garbage collection site after (insert name of your least favorite political candidate here).
And, in Thompson, N.D., we should solicit Dusty Rhodes, a semi-retired American pro rassler working for World Wrestling Entertainment. We could name our entire street network after him. The price needs to be right of course, although he'd likely object if we used the naming money to pave our streets.
We also should check to see if discount giant Target has any money left. The Target Center is home to the Minnesota Timberwolves of the NBA. Corporate officers apparently also wanted a joint that held athletes with normal pituitary glands because it bought the naming rights for the new Minnesota Twins ballpark that will open in 2010.
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The price tag for Target Field was not announced, but industry forces estimated it will be $8 million a year.
Whatever the cost, you can bet it was so expensive that the red shopping carts with wobbly front wheels won't be fixed any time soon.
