Listen closely to what you'll never hear

Predicting the future is difficult.

Predicting what won't happen is much easier. Following are 20 comments that you will never, ever, ever, ever, ever hear:

1. "Phil, I want to invite you and the rest of the Harmeson family to join our Buning household for Christmas dinner."

2. "Mr. Groenewold, please accept this fire safety award from the Manvel Volunteer Fire Department."

3. "Since he won the NFL Coach of the Year Award, all of us here at Playgirl magazine would like Brad Childress of the Minnesota Vikings to pose as Mr. November."

4. "Please welcome Britney Spears, the instructor for the Parental Skills to Keep Your Child Safe seminar."

5. "Yes, as a Red River Valley farmer, I have to admit that 2007 was a very profitable year, and I have money falling out of my overalls."

6. "Please welcome Scott Hennen, who will now make the nominating speech for Hillary Clinton here at the Democratic convention."

7. "Why don't you Canadians take your loonies and go back home?"

8. "Mr. Hakstol, please step forward and accept the Crest Toothpaste Smile Award."

9. "You, too, Mr. Roebuck and Mr. Cheney. You guys tied for second."

10. "As the township chairman, I'd like to warmly welcome Grand Forks and all of its garbage to our rural slice of heaven. Take two sections if you want. "

11. "Forget about the city of East Grand Forks investing in a movie theater. I think we should instead put money into this new home-grown perfume, Eau D'essence Beet Plante Lagoone."

12. "Call Las Vegas and wager $1,000 on whatever football team is playing Stephen-Argyle this week."

13. "As a 13-year-old, I really think I'm too young to have my own cell phone."

14. "I'd like seconds on the lutefisk dish that Chef Emeril made."

15. "I have to admit that the people on the opposite side of the UND nickname issue make some good points."

16. "Dad, since I'm a high school junior now, and you did such a great job chaperoning Andrea's school dances, would you please chaperone prom this spring?"

17. "Are you attending the Grand Forks Senior Citizens Center's Gangsta Rapper-a-thon Dance featuring Snoop Dogg?"

18. "Will the new $1 million UND president's house have indoor plumbing?"

19. "Do you think Gov. Hoeven has any chance of keeping his job?"

20. "Let's hire Gary Gardner as a consultant for our jail construction project."

Bakken reports on local news and writes a column. Reach him at 780-1125, (800) 477-6572 ext. 125 or rbakken@gfherald.com .