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Heaven helps us see into the new year

This column should be on the front page. That's because I have the scoop of a lifetime. Pat Robertson gave me God's phone number, so I had a conversation with The Big Guy yesterday. I chatted with God thanks to Robertson, the religious broadcaste...

This column should be on the front page. That's because I have the scoop of a lifetime.

Pat Robertson gave me God's phone number, so I had a conversation with The Big Guy yesterday.

I chatted with God thanks to Robertson, the religious broadcaster who recently released details of his own conversation with Our Maker. Robertson is on God's speed dial, as the two have annual talks just before the new year. Then, Robertson, who relies on private donations to keep "The 700 Club" (and himself) going, tells the world what God has to say.

This year, Robertson relayed news that 2007 will see a "mass killing, possibly millions of people, major cities injured." The news gave me another reason to be thankful that I live in tiny Thompson, N.D.

Robertson's proclamations aren't always accurate. In 2006, for instance, he said America would be hit by vicious hurricanes and a tsunami. Nope. In 2005, he said President Bush would have his Social Security reforms approved. Nope. And, in 2004, he said President Bush would win in "a blowout." Nope, not unless you consider 51 percent of the vote to be a landslide.

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Robertson defends his misses by saying "sometimes, I miss." Since God doesn't make mistakes, that must mean Robertson doesn't hear very well. Or, perhaps Verizon hasn't installed enough cell towers between Earth and Heaven.

Some evangelicals cringe at Robertson's divine prophecies, saying he undermines the credibility of their beliefs. They say it's embarrassing to them that Robertson is the self-proclaimed spokesman for God and evangelical Christianity. Robertson's conversations with God tarnish sincere believers and make it more difficult to present their faith as reasonable.

Robertson's past doesn't make it any easier for them. He has called for the assassination of a political leader, has said Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's stroke was divine retribution and has claimed he can leg-press 2,000 pounds. (UND football coach Dale Lennon, please take note that the 76-year-old Robertson still has college eligibility remaining.)

Whenever Robertson talks to God, He comes across as a Republican.

In our conversation, God was apolitical. Of course, I didn't ask much about politics - nor the year's national weather forecast - because Robertson already had that covered. We kept our conversation to local matters.

Here are some highlights of our chat:

-- UND coaches Dave Hakstol, Gene Roebuck and Lennon will be fired this year. This may surprise you since all three have had incredible success.

-- Gov. John Hoeven will be impeached. This also may surprise you since Hoeven has the highest approval rating of any politician in the country.

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-- Grasshoppers will eat all of Polk County, including concrete structures. This may surprise you since grasshoppers are vegetarians.

-- Scott Hennen will become the radio mouthpiece of Democrats, and Ed Schultz will become the mouthpiece of Republicans. This may surprise you given their current political leanings.

-- Local car-towing business owners admit that they have overcharged people and grant full refunds, with interest. This may surprise you because, well, just because.

Those are just a few of the things God told me would happen in 2007. If they don't happen, be advised that the phone had heavy static because of Verizon's shortcomings.

God also told me who was going to win the Super Bowl. However, that information doesn't come free.

Bakken reports on local news and writes a column. Reach him at 780-1125; (800) 477-6572, ext. 125; or rbakken@gfherald.com .

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