Cast your ballot for Bakken

It's a week before the election, so it's time to declare my candidacy.

You might wonder which office I am seeking. My answer is the same as Sarah Palin's when she was asked by Katie Couric what newspapers and magazines she reads. "All of them, any of them," Palin answered.

I am available for "all" or "any" position up for grabs Nov. 4. I'd hate to limit your options for voting for me to just one office. It's important that I am elected to wherever you feel I'm needed most. To be safe, you probably should write me in everywhere.

President? I'm ready. Congress? I'd be willing to slum it. County commissioner? Yah, you betcha. Just remember one thing -- I'm the candidate of change.

Although I'm confident your vote already is secured, it's only right that I provide my background and my position on issues. So, following is a biography and my political beliefs:

n If elected, I'd expect a $150,000 wardrobe allowance. That's a small price to pay to ensure that I have the latest Lee brand blue jeans and white tube socks with a strong elastic band.

n I also will need $400 haircuts from John Edwards' barber. At $1 per hair, that's a bargain.

n Endorsing my opponents are Joe Sixpack, who has a drinking problem, and Joe the Plumber, who has a visible butt-crack problem.

n I have the endorsements of Joe the Wall Street Broker and Jane the Investment Banker.

n I also have the endorsement of Minnesota Vikings Coach Brad Childress, who says I have "a kick-ass platform."

n My gift to all foreign governments will be a $28,000 Michael Brown-autographed bronze statue of a buffalo. This is an especially appropriate gift if I'm elected to a local office because nothing better symbolizes Grand Forks than a bison.

n I'm definitely not a flip-flopper. Just look back at the past eight years to understand how important it is not to be a flip-flopper.

n I will seize all $104 million hockey arenas and convert them into indoor soccer stadiums. It's about time we have a soccer dad.

n I favor less money for K-12 education. Just give the kiddies a computer and access to the Internet. Because everything available on the Internet is the truth, we'd save all kinds of money on teachers.

n I also favor higher tuition for college students. Judging by the number of broken beer bottles and vomit puddles left downtown on weekends, college kids have disposable income.

n My financial adviser is former Lehman Brothers CEO Dick Fuld.

n If elected, I will investigate all other office-holders to see if they're anti-American. If I land a state job, I'll investigate whether they're anti-Dakotan. And if it's a local office, I'll see if they're anti-Thompson.

n Each city in my constituency will receive a new water tower. The tanks won't contain any actual water, but they'll have cute faces on them.

n Higher property taxes and income taxes for everyone. With mild winters in recent years, we need tax hikes for riff-raff control.

n Lower salaries for college professors, but they will receive discounts on coffee at the student union.

n Full disclosure: My real name Ali Mohammed Abdullah.

You should now have enough information about me and my position on the issues. See you at the swearing-in ceremony.

Reach Bakken at (701) 780-1125; (800) 477-6572, ext. 125; or send e-mail to rbakken@gfherald.com .