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RYAN BAKKEN: The news according to Bakken

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Grand Forks North Dakota 375 2nd Ave. N. 58203

Perhaps you have been distracted recently by the recent above-freezing temperatures, below-30 mph winds and snowmelt.

If so, you may have missed a lot of really important developments. To catch up, please read further to see what has happened and my always-cerebral take on matters:


News item No. 1: California Democrats want to legalize pot and ban fracking.

My take: Yet again, California proves that it is the anti-North Dakota.

News item No. 2: A survey shows that men prefer women who drink wine rather than beer.

My take: I prefer women who drink water, because water is free and I’m a skinflint.

News item No. 3: Fargo’s first Bacon & Beer Festival draws big crowd.

My take: Festival’s corporate sponsor was Stents ‘R Us manufacturer.

News item No. 4: Vladimir Putin basks in going shirtless.

My take: Putin’s aides are too frightened to speak the truth — Vlad has man boobs.

News item No. 5: Young adults prefer texting over talking on phones.

My take: It’s a parental-avoidance habit from their teen years that they can’t break.

News item No. 6: Too much salt causes hypertension deaths.

My take: Too little salt on roads causes traffic deaths.

News item No. 7: Temperatures reach the 40s, resulting in a lot of melted snow.

My take: Forty degrees in March beats 80 degrees in June.

News item No. 8: The Kardashians are adding a children’s clothing line — Kardashian Kids — to their empire.

My take: A Kardashian brand for children? It won’t last as long as Kim’s 72-day marriage to Kris Humphries.

News item No. 9: East Grand Forks Senior High advances to the state tournament in girls hockey, boys hockey and boys basketball.

My take: East Grand Forks tap water should be marketed and sold as the next generation of Gatorade.

News item No. 10: The Cenex Travel Center in Warroad, Minn., is adding the “Gourmet Café.”

My take: Nothing says “gourmet” more than gas station chow.

News item No. 11: North Dakota State University men’s basketball team heads to the Big Dance.

My take: Who woulda thunk it after Bison lost to D-I toddler UND early in the season?

News item No. 12: East Grand Forks City Council defined sexually-oriented businesses in a new ordinance.

My take: None of the language made the aldermen blush.